Obviously I associate with journalists but that doesn’t accurately represent my current condition (IE out of work) so I tossed this together.

Feel free to repost or share whatever but please don’t chop off my watermark.

My personal favorite?

Anyway, here are the rest. Feel free to use at your leisure.

Looks like Guinness but it ain't.

When I first heard about Guinness’ new Black Lager, I took it upon myself to launch a decidedly half-assed quest to find it. This adventure mostly consisted of looking in the coolers of my go-to liquor store (they didn’t have it) then politely sitting around for 10 minutes while the cashier looked it up in their computer registry (it was on file but they didn’t carry it. Duh).

Imagine my surprise when I stumbled across it this past Thursday evening! If it wasn’t for the young women blocking my regular path to the “$13 whiskey” section I would have never found this new brew. Sticking true to my bitter writer’s persona, I decided to drink a six pack then complain about it on the internet.

Guinness Black Lager is billed as a “cold brewed [lager] with roasted barley to deliver the refreshing taste of a lager with the unique character of Guinness,” a beer brewed in an attempt to break into the burgeoning U.S. craft beer market. I am far from a beer snob and while I can BS my way through telling the difference between a pale ale and a lager, I am concerned with two things: Is this a good brew and am I going to get drunk? Spoiler alert: No and no.

The first thing one must realize before drinking Guinness Black Lager is that this is Guinness in name only. “I don’t like Guinness” is fodder for a Shit Beer Drinkers Say video, but that excuse won’t fly here. The beer’s dark color might be off-putting to those anti-Guinness heathens but the similarities between the two abruptly end there.

The beer pours a dark brown like standard issue Guinness, something that will probably chase off the aforementioned squirrelly anti-Guinnessites types. Good riddance, we don’t need them. The beer’s aroma bares a passing resemblance to some of the nuttier seasonal brews from Sam Adams. The smell of a beer has never been a big concern for me, but there is something oddly alluring here. It’s subtle but with a presence, much like a serial killer stalking his victim through a shopping mall or “Watch The Throne” coming on at a party.

At first sip, the beer is palatable enough. The roasted barley flavor is there as billed, a sweet, caramel taste with a hint of nutty chocolate (where are those squirrelly anti-Guinness-ites now?) The flavor is far from heavy and while it is noticeable, is almost immediately washed away with how damn watery the beer is. I’m as guilty as the next unemployed, beer-drinking blogger of using overly-verbose hyperbole, and I can’t even think of an apt analogy for how disappointingly bland Guinness Black Lager’s aftertaste is. It is completely non-existent. There is no aftertaste. None. Not unless you count the weird, gunky taste in my mouth that I blame on this beer and not poor dental hygiene.

To its credit, this beer could make a good “cooking” beer if it wasn’t so watery. I admittedly am not as familiar with the Transitive Property of Beer Cooking as I sometimes pretend to be, but Guinness Black Lager could make a good addition to a chocolate dessert or a pot roast.

At $8.99 for a six pack, Guinness Black Lager is painfully overpriced. At 4.5% alcohol content, it is painfully impotent. Between the rich color and the Guinness brand, this is a tease of the worst degree. If I had to guess the niche for this beer, it would be people who do not like Guinness but don’t want to come off like they don’t know anything about beer for not liking Guinness. I will probably keep a bottle of this on display in my kitchen as both a conversation piece and a warning to others.

PROS

The shades of blue approach on a typical Guinness label is quite nice.

CONS

Taste, price, alcohol content (the three things that matter in a beer)

No one is this excited to drink Guinness Black Lager.

When the Sun-Times announced their ‘metered pay plan’  Tuesday afternoon, I had about the same reaction as everyone else: WTF?

First the quick ‘n dirty facts. Visitors will be able to read 20 free articles a month before they hit the paywall (affectionately stolen borrowed from the New York Times paywall model). Beyond that, digital subscriptions will cost $1.99 a month for those who already subscribe to the print edition and $6.99 a month for digital-only customers.

Note the language here; customers, not readers. Sun-Times’ choice of phrasing, not mine.

This is a risky, but (probably) calculated move following other newspapers that found mixed success.

Just this morning, the Minnesota Star Tribune revealed some numbers about their paywall that was launched this past fall. While the numbers were undoubtably crunched a dozen times over for the best possible spin, it shows that the paywall is (probably) not a complete failure. As described by Poynter:

The Star Tribune tells David Brauer how its paywall is doing a month after launch. Ad revenue will suffer from lower traffic, which is down 10 to 15 percent, depending on the metric. But the newspaper has 5,900 new digital subscribers, 1,150 of whom are now getting the Sunday newspaper, too. And more people are paying a bit extra to bundle digital access with their print subscriptions. “So in four weeks, the Strib has potentially reaped about $800,000 in new digital circulation revenue,” Brauer writes.

Of course, there is the New York Times’ implementation last March. The big daddy, the grand poobah of newspaper paywalls. It revealed itself to be relatively easy to bypass for those ‘in the know’ about technology. How’s that working for them? They now boast 324,000 digital subscribers.  Obviously there is a hefty gap in both quantity and quality between the NYT and the Sun-Times.

There are reasons to think the Sun-Times’ paywall might succeed (which I define as not being a horrible failure) but there are just as many to assume the worst. There has been a steady decline in reporters and copyeditors for years, supplanted by AP copy. It’s become an assumed inevitability that online readership drops off after a paywall and along with it, ad revenue. It’s a very careful line to walk, the difference between ad revenue lost and digital subscribers gained.

The Sun-Times has given itself a clear target to reach. Probably not a smart move, all things considered.

He [Company chairman Jeremy Halbreich] also said other metro papers that have tried metered systems have seen temporary declines in their web traffic, but that activity generally picks up after about three months.

I guess we’ll have to check back in three months and see where they are at.

There are plenty of people who will bite their thumb at the paywall. “The Sun-Times? I would NEVER pay for that rag!” You probably weren’t already, and this move isn’t really targeting you. Like the NYT model, the 20 free articles gives plenty of leeway for the occasional visitor. I visit the Sun-Times every day as a part of my regulars ‘news outlet tour’ but I’m not sure I click 20 articles a month. And of course, therein lies the problem.

Chicago is a big market. Between the Chicago Tribune, WGN, Huffington Post Chicago, Chicago Reader, the Redeye, the Chicago News Cooperative, Chicago Public Media and the flock of broadcast news sites, we aren’t exactly short on news sources.

It’s too early in the process to say if this will work, fail, or fall into the nebulous ambiguity that has plagued the Sun-Times for years. The notions of paywalls are still young enough that no one can say for sure how it will pan out.

Maybe they’ll see good-to-great successes and start to actually grow. Or maybe

No matter what happens, it should be an interesting ride.

Afterthought: Then again, there is a healthy portion of openly racist, blatant hateful angry people who troll the Sun-Times comments sections who will (if their ideology is as strong as their vitriol) no doubt gladly stop accepting handouts from the Sun-Times. Maybe that was the marketing plan behind all this? That or boobs.

By the way, I’m looking for work. Investigate my LinkedIn profile or find me on Twitter.

(Editor’s Note: This was written before actually viewing the show until further notice)

Regarding the thought process going into greenlighting FOX’s New Girl, one can only assume a haughty business executive saw Zooey Deschanel and thought that she looked enough like Katy Parry to greenlight an entire TV series based around her.

Before we go any further, I should preface by saying that I hate Zooey. She takes the “indie pixie” look invented/perfected by Natalie Portman in Garden State and bastardizes it to the point where she looks like a hollowed zombie staring into the camera in an attempt to steal your soul.

So here we are, watching FOX’s Zooey vehicle. The commercials/trailors unveiled so far rely on one single point: Zooey Deschanel being a cute, quirky, nerdy living with three handsome men. Surprise: That IS the entire show.

To add to her mystique, she occasionally wears glasses that look lensless and fake, even on Youtube. Pretty much the only positive aspect I can find out of the first episode is that the costuming boss saw fit to put Zooey in some flannel.

I will spare you the excruciatingly contrived details of the plot, but to quickly break it down: Zooey is an unbelievably gorgeous girl living with some unbelievably hunkish men. Both parties are down on their luck with the opposite sex, wouldn’t ya know it! There is some painfully generic character development of the men, but the focus is naturally on Zooey. Hilarity inevitably ensues as Zooey is too quirky to land even your basic bar pickup artists.

There are two things that are painfully clear about this sitcom: 1) It is only going to last one season 2) it will be rife with will they/won’t they hookup tension between Zooey’s character and her new male roommate(s). Fortunately, for both reasons, we will all be spared a five season Sam-and-Diane arc.

Of course my main issue with show is that it will NEVER address the real problem with living with a woman: they use roughly 3 times the toilet paper men do.

(Editor’s Note: Anything written after this point were written after viewing the show)

I was right.

Random Thoughts:

• The real irony is that the dude-mates in this show have a thing called a “douchebag jar” in which they toss a dollar every time one of them is a douchebag. Assuming FOX was tipping my “douchebag jar” for watching this show, I would be $1414 richer.
• Zooey walks out of the shower clothed and not wet at all. Instead of calling attention to this blatantly stupid thing that just happened and building on her ‘crazy character!’, they make a motorboating joke.
• The individual roommate-on-roommate  ’get to know you/blatantly try to have sex with you’ scenes are at least ten times worse than you’d assume from the previews.

It isn’t even worth examining what else happens. The dude-mates learn the TRUE MEANING OF FRIENDSHIP in the end. It turns out 3 jabronis can be friends with a woman without trying to score with her (in the first episode, too much).

I don’t want to be harsh. If every show was judged solely on its first episode, Arrested Development would still be on the air today and Parks And Recreation would have been canceled years ago. The state of television is a depraved and outright bizarre place where shows that deserve to live forever, die, and shows that started out bad, flourish. In between the two extremes there is crap like Perfect Couples, the Paul Reiser show and New Girl.

Besides. The roommate-bros end up admitting that Dirty Dancing is a good movie at the end, and if that isn’t reason for cancellation, I don’t know what is.

The only thing to add is this Youtube I found where Zooey talks about the theme song for the show, which she wrote. She spends 2:33 talking about her thought process on a theme song which literally lasts 7 seconds in the show. Unlike the rest of this review, this isn’t a knock or a bitterly sarcastic complaint. It’s unfortunate with someone with real musical talent is reduced to creating something so short that I can’t even dice a lettuce-and-bread sandwich during it.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jknxy1zxens

After the first run-through of the Jay-Z/Kanye West dream team production Watch The Throne, I am willing to bet people fall into one of two camps: “I am not sure what I just listened to but damn it was great” or “What did I just listen to?”

I definitely fall into the former camp, but it took a few more listen sessions before I could really formulate coherent thoughts (and even now they aren’t very coherent).

The core concept of the album is that Yeezy and Hova want you to know how awesome they are and just how few fucks they give. Message received, gents.

No doubt some people will be turned off by that attitude, snubbing the album for perceived cockiness and “typical Kanye West” BS. Guess what, haters? Jay-Z and Kanye West are awesome.

Make no mistake. This isn’t the passionate, introspective Kanye West that brought us “Hey Momma”, “Everything I Am” and the entire 808’s and Hearbreaks album. This is the balls-out Kanye “No one man should have all this power” “Ima let you finish but suck it, Taylor Swift” “I should be in the Bible” West that most of America loves to hate. And just like Mister West, I suspect people will either love or hate this album. It does not leave much room for middle ground here.

Don’t get me wrong, the first time through I had favorites, but this is the kind of quirky album that will take multiple listenings (all today, no doubt) to really ferment an understanding of what it is. It is not a typical Kanye or Jay-Z album, but some sort of unconventional, ambitious (and maybe a bit schizophrenic) hybrid between the two.

The beats are far and away solid productions. Even the tracks I don’t like at least had solid foundations. The album is a bumpin’, fist pumpin’, hand wavin’ affair. Owing to the experimental flavor of the album, lyrics are mostly a hit with a few misses. The closing track in particular seems to fall unfortunately flat.

The album is good, probably great, but far from perfect. It is easily the worst-produced thing Kanye West has done in the sense that the production value is merely average, while I expected grander things. Tracks just sort of drift into sloppy endings far too often, which is a sad departure from My Dark Twisted Fantasy’s epic bridges.

Watch The Throne scores somewhere around an 85/100. It pales in comparison to the two most recent albums put out by Yeezy and Hova but I’ll be damned if I don’t listen to this at least 15 times in the next week. It’s a good distraction, a nice compliment to My Dark Twisted Fantasy and (I suppose) Blueprint 3. It takes chances, strays from each artist’s respective formula, and you have to respect it for that. Despite its strengths, it ultimately has the staying power of The College Dropout (a phenomenal, often-forgotten album) and the strength of the Black Album (phenomenal but blown out of proportion).

Track Breakdown

No Church In The Wild – 6/10

Hopefully this goes down as one of the best opening tracks in the history of musical arrangements. The second that beat kicks in you know you are in for a treat. Frank Ocean’s crooning is a smooth compliment to Hova’s edginess. It sets the pace for the rest of the album: not what you expected, but you are about to go on one hell of a sweet ride.

Lift Off – 9/10

The biggest affront in modern music is the lack of Jay-Z/Beyonce projects. Lift Off just reaffirms the need for a co-op album between the two. This track is the closest we’ll get and damn, it’s good. I wish I could go to the moon with Kanye and Beyonce in Jay-Z’s spaceship. I bet we’d have a lot of fun getting into lunar shenanigans. The sooner this track gets on the radio the better. (Is there enough room on the airwaves for tw female vocal-driven space-themed songs backed by Kanye West?)

Ninjas In Paris – 8/10

I’ve been told that white people have to call this track Ninjas In Paris because asterisks are what old people use. I dare you listen to this track and not find your self doing something ranging from absent-mindedly head bobbing to hand wavin’ in your pathetic little cubicle. The lackluster ending really bugs me though. Asute listeners will notice that the second half of the track (2:45 on) has a very ‘My Dark Twisted Fantasy’ vibe to it. Bonus points if you can identify the Good Friday track that was recycled here.

Otis – 7/10

The mix is different, a bit more subdued, than the earlier release and while it makes for a better opening, the second half of the track really feels to lack the “fuck you I’m rich” punch that made the previous incarnation at least somewhat controversial.

Gotta Have It – 8/10

Currently my favorite track off the album. It is most like what I imagined this album would be; the back-and-forth verses, the hometown shout-outs, the sick-but-soulful beat. Hand waving is mandatory. Points are taken off for Kanye’s shoutout to LeBron James. Where is the D Rose love?

New Day – 4/10

It’s an alright track but strikes me as filler. The way-too-reverb-y background noise gets on my nerves (weird, because I love 808′s and Heartbreak). The lyrics are smooth and insightful but this nasty-in-a-bad-way beat ruins it.

That’s My Bitch – 6/10

This is a fun little ditty. I’m still not really sure if it’s a GOOD track. The synthy lead is weird but it works. I have a feeling this song is going to become the anthem of partying white girls everywhere.

Welcome To The Jungle – 7/10

After the last two track the album needs a swag track to grab my interest and this nearly does it. As a stand-alone track I think this is a great song (I want to drive around listening to it real loud and people look at me and I give them a pouty gangster face and they flash me a thumbs up) although once again, a bizarre and out of place outro really ruins the mood.

Who Gon Stop Me – 6/10

Dear Kanye, In order to avoid stupid and unnecessary controversies, please don’t rap about the Holocaust. Also, don’t say people look at you like Hitler.

Murder to Excellence – 9/10

Probably the most Kanye track on the whole album. It dabbles in politics, crime in the Chi and Kanye-isms. These have always been my favorite Kanye tracks and this one is no different.

Made In America – 7/10

I get the feeling that the slowed vibe might turn people off from this track, but I adore it. The lyrical content strikes me as taking a page from MDTF- Kanye is doing what he does because it is what we wants to do, not to please audiences or critics. It also has the most complete outro on the entire album. Way too much grunting on this track though.

Why I Love You – 2/10

The rhymes on this track fall flat, a real disappointment in light of the swagging Cassius sample. It picks up at the end with the back-and-forth but it isn’t enough to salvage a disappointing end to a great album. I also like to think the line “fuck you squares” is a reference to a famous geek rock band from Chicago.

The Bottom Line

Do you like Kanye West? Jay-Z? Hip hop? Buy this album. It’s a no-brainer. All the cool kids are going to be talking about it for weeks to come and you don’t want to be left out.