Looks like Guinness but it ain't.
When I first heard about Guinness’ new Black Lager, I took it upon myself to launch a decidedly half-assed quest to find it. This adventure mostly consisted of looking in the coolers of my go-to liquor store (they didn’t have it) then politely sitting around for 10 minutes while the cashier looked it up in their computer registry (it was on file but they didn’t carry it. Duh).
Imagine my surprise when I stumbled across it this past Thursday evening! If it wasn’t for the young women blocking my regular path to the “$13 whiskey” section I would have never found this new brew. Sticking true to my bitter writer’s persona, I decided to drink a six pack then complain about it on the internet.
Guinness Black Lager is billed as a “cold brewed [lager] with roasted barley to deliver the refreshing taste of a lager with the unique character of Guinness,” a beer brewed in an attempt to break into the burgeoning U.S. craft beer market. I am far from a beer snob and while I can BS my way through telling the difference between a pale ale and a lager, I am concerned with two things: Is this a good brew and am I going to get drunk? Spoiler alert: No and no.
The first thing one must realize before drinking Guinness Black Lager is that this is Guinness in name only. “I don’t like Guinness” is fodder for a Shit Beer Drinkers Say video, but that excuse won’t fly here. The beer’s dark color might be off-putting to those anti-Guinness heathens but the similarities between the two abruptly end there.
The beer pours a dark brown like standard issue Guinness, something that will probably chase off the aforementioned squirrelly anti-Guinnessites types. Good riddance, we don’t need them. The beer’s aroma bares a passing resemblance to some of the nuttier seasonal brews from Sam Adams. The smell of a beer has never been a big concern for me, but there is something oddly alluring here. It’s subtle but with a presence, much like a serial killer stalking his victim through a shopping mall or “Watch The Throne” coming on at a party.
At first sip, the beer is palatable enough. The roasted barley flavor is there as billed, a sweet, caramel taste with a hint of nutty chocolate (where are those squirrelly anti-Guinness-ites now?) The flavor is far from heavy and while it is noticeable, is almost immediately washed away with how damn watery the beer is. I’m as guilty as the next unemployed, beer-drinking blogger of using overly-verbose hyperbole, and I can’t even think of an apt analogy for how disappointingly bland Guinness Black Lager’s aftertaste is. It is completely non-existent. There is no aftertaste. None. Not unless you count the weird, gunky taste in my mouth that I blame on this beer and not poor dental hygiene.
To its credit, this beer could make a good “cooking” beer if it wasn’t so watery. I admittedly am not as familiar with the Transitive Property of Beer Cooking as I sometimes pretend to be, but Guinness Black Lager could make a good addition to a chocolate dessert or a pot roast.
At $8.99 for a six pack, Guinness Black Lager is painfully overpriced. At 4.5% alcohol content, it is painfully impotent. Between the rich color and the Guinness brand, this is a tease of the worst degree. If I had to guess the niche for this beer, it would be people who do not like Guinness but don’t want to come off like they don’t know anything about beer for not liking Guinness. I will probably keep a bottle of this on display in my kitchen as both a conversation piece and a warning to others.
PROS
The shades of blue approach on a typical Guinness label is quite nice.
CONS
Taste, price, alcohol content (the three things that matter in a beer)
No one is this excited to drink Guinness Black Lager.
